The Impostor
"The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend."
- Abraham Lincoln
Recently, I was compelled by circumstances at work to admit to another person, out loud, how very much I struggle with impostor syndrome. For those of you not familiar with the term, there’s several TED talks on the concept, and this article a friend sent me just the other day.
I’ve seriously battled with the confluence of beliefs, behaviors, and a fun-house-mirror concept of self that add up to a whopping case of impostor syndrome for all my adult life. In fact, I can’t really remember a time when I didn’t question the value of my accomplishments or my capabilities.
I fully realize these are #firstworldproblems, but it’s had a huge, sometimes negative, impact on my life. Impostor syndrome has had a hand in getting me where I am, both the bad and good of my trajectory to date - I’d like to defeat the monster whispering in my ear, but in a positive way that doesn’t make me an unbearable show-off.
So, first the good bit – impostor syndrome has made me work really hard to build my skills and prove myself, over and over again, because I just know I’m never quite good or clever enough. Without the continual creeping doubts of impostor syndrome whispering negativity into my brain, I probably would not have been so driven to be good at what I do, or as diverse in my knowledge base (did I just say I'm good at what I do? That feels weird...).
On the other hand, impostor syndrome has made it difficult, if not impossible, for me to speak up and accept or demand credit for my work. I’ve sacrificed to get things done that other people sometimes took the praise for.
Were it not for impostor syndrome, a former business partner would not have found it so easy to talk me out of believing in my own invention, nor talk me into entrusting the funds raised by said invention to him so that we could develop something better – namely the thing he thought was a good idea instead of my original invention.
Don’t get me wrong, generally speaking, I’m pleased with where I’ve got to in life – and it’s a life with many good things that I like a whole lot. It’s just that professionally, I’ve realized impostor syndrome is backing me into corners from which I’d like to escape. Impostor syndrome is limiting where I can go and what I can do, and I’d like to put it to rest once and for all.
Hah! Yes, I do actually know that’s never going to happen, in which case, perhaps it could just learn to be more quiet. Quiet enough I can ignore it, or shrug it off, or use it to drive myself when I need and then tell it to go sit down and shut up because I’ve got challenging, brave stuff to do.
Also, as a manager who must lead other humans to solve challenging problems and create cutting-edge, useful things, I realize my impostor syndrome sometimes makes leading those people more difficult. If I sincerely believe that what I know, and what I can do, are not that great, then why and how am I in charge of these brilliant people? Or, worse, I'll have unrealistic expectations of new hires because I don’t honestly believe any of this is really that hard – after all, if I can do it, then anyone can, right? Right?
Yeah, no.
Having impostor syndrome makes it difficult, and uncomfortable, to talk about impostor syndrome. But I really felt I needed to, both for myself and for anyone who may read this and is struggling to hide what a fraud they are; terrified that everyone around them will discover the “truth.”
So, tell me, what have you done that’s great? Do you believe it’s as great as everyone says? Where do you go from there? Me, I’m going to keep fighting this impostor until he learns to shut it, and let me get on with whatever I can make happen next.
